Last night the Bachelor was all sorts of dramatic.
First things first, Britt and her 80's Barbie Lipstick finally went home. She snapped on Chris and basically said that she only wants to be viewed first...and not last. I am pretty sure Ricky Bobby also said something similar to that. So she got the boot and sat outside ugly girl crying and snotting all over her face. It was super dramatic and my money is betting that they make her the next Bachelorette.
(Photo courtesy of twitter.com A BachelorABC)
Carly...oh sweet Carly was the next to go home...because she ratted out Britt's fakeness to Chris and if there is anything we have learned from the Sexy Farmer this season...if you are honest...you gon go home! Carly...we will miss your quirky faces and I hope to see you on a cruise ship singing your little heart out one day soon.
(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @CarlyWaddell)
Now it is was time for the hometown date. It started with Becca who immediately proved that there are two types of people in the world...those that run and jump into a man's arms and wrap their legs around them...and the rest of us chunkies that ain't gonna do that. But Oh Em Gee...her family threw her under a MATA. Her family pulled him aside and basically said...We have never actually seen Becca with a Man, so know that she will never be physical or give you PDA...they also almost dropped the bomb that she is holding her V Card...but left it for the next episode when the fantasy suite comes around. Long story short...sweet date that ended with them making out on a Ferris Wheel...hello scripted...real people don't do that!
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @Taryn_Pollock)
Next Chris joined Whitney in Chicago...where she showed him how to make a baby. Since her family situation is kinda awkward she decided to take him to work instead and showed him what a fertility nurse does...and even went so far as to ask him for a "sample". Chris turned into a joke...but we all saw that crazy glint...if she wasn't the winner she had plans to get pregnant other ways...Whitney ended up taking him to meet her sister and when Chris asked if he could propose to her she basically said come and talk to me when you stop being a hoochie with all these women...and basically all of Bachelor Nation Cheered.
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV)
Kaitlyn was up next and had Chris meet her in Arizona and had everyone wondering...are all these girl's from rich families? How come you never see a hometown show where they go to a trailer park or a modest home? Because we got to meet her family and their luxurious vacation home. Everything seemed to go well...Chris tried to rap and embarrassed himself, which was totally awesome and it ended with the two making out under a billboard that said Kaitlyn <3 Chris...which is totally not proper grammar...but whatever
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @Kaitlynbristowe)
And then what we were all waiting for...Chris went home to meet Jade's family and found out that she posed nude for Playboy. Whoa Nelly Chris seemed creepily excited when he found out and even watched her video and googled her pictures with her. This part of the episode was redunkulous and you could tell he was totally going to send her home. I like a dummie Googled her...without my safe search on...and y'all...unless you want to see more nooks and crannies than on an english muffin...just don't do it!
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @USMagazine)
So after meeting their families who did he decide not to take to the fantasy suite next week...Jade! Because come on...it comes back to that honestly thing. She was real with him and told him something he needed to know and just like Carly and Ashley I...he sent her packing. What a stand up dude...not. He at the very least pretended to cry and question if his decision was right...but his acting was just about as good as Kelsey's earlier this season. Weak Dude!
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @fiftyshadesofgrey)
So first things first...I have now seen Dakota Johnson's breasts more than I have seen my own...and mine live in my shirt. I have no idea how this movie eeked by with an "R" rating because I have seen Cinemax refrain from getting as graphic as this movie did...it honestly got to a point where it felt weird when you saw Dakota with a top on..but that being said this review is for everyone who feels like me or is wondering if they should see the move.
Honestly...I thought the movie was good. Now before you invest too much in that, I should tell you I also have not seen a single movie up for The Oscar this year, so my tastes are not high class and might be on the trashy side. This movie had me all like this at the beggining
because I came in with really low expectations based on how much critics were ripping the movie apart and it started out really good. Dakota Johnson suprised me. Instead of being the wet dishrag she presents herself as in interviews...she was funny, charming and oddly relatable. More than Anastasia ever came across to me in the book. She portrayed the character spunkier than I remember...but then again I was two bottles of wine deep the last time I read them.
On top of the gratuitous nudie scenes...I discovered that Dakota/Ana has a way more lax grooming routine than myself...
At first I was a little taken aback by her retro hairstyle...but after some pondering...
I realized an excuse to be lazy and not have to attack that thing as often as usual seems like a pretty swell idea and fabulous trend...especially as I get married and complacent...so well done Dakota.
As for Jamie Dornan...before seeing the movie, he never really fit Christian Grey in my mind...but instantly he won me over. He had this intense gaze that let me know that this man is a pro at taking selfies.
(Photo courtesy of twitter.com @fiftyshadesofgrey)
Overall...there was better chemistry that I anticipated because those two were horrible in interviews...but somehow it seemed like they turned that awkwardness into sexual tension.
Now we have to talk about the fact that it felt like I was watching an Adult Na-Na movie with 100 other people...because I was. The first time I saw Christian Grey's Naked butt as he put his loves moves on a 100% nude Anastasia...it was a theater full of women going
and then one creepy dude going
BTW...that is my impression of the weird man there...you know who you are...and not the Fonz...
The last scene was more violent feeling than I remember it being in the book and some of the music was so cheesy you kinda forget what you are watching is supposed to be sexy but overall, I enjoyed the movie.
(Photo courtesy of twitter.com @fiftyshadesofgrey)
If you are questioning if you want to go...just know that you will be around a lot of people seeing a lot of boobies...so if that makes you uncomfortable...you might want to make it a rental but if you are looking for a night of cheesy fantasy...it is a good one to see...and is better than all the Twilight movies were.
If you are looking for a piece of cinematic film, not for you, but if you want something you can eat your pork rinds to and use as a reason to get freaky on a weeknight, you should check it out! And if you want...we can pretend we were horrified by it together
Oh...also...Don't take Gramma...that would just get weird
(Photo courtesy of Buzzfeed.com)
Drake thinks he is Beyonce...because last night he dropped a secret album to Itunes at midnight. It is called If You're Reading This It's Too Late but the big difference between Drake and Beyonce is that it hasn't even cracked the Top 100 yet on Itunes...and it is being outsold by a Kidz Bop Album...now this very well might change...but right now this is not a good look for Drizzy Drake.
The Spice Girls have new music...90's me is all like AHHHHHHHH!! Because four never before heard songs from the girls have leaked that were created for their last album...and I've already been jamming out to them...I have loved Spice Girls since I was younger and I remember whenever we would play them on the Playground I always had to be Scary Spice...ya know...because until college my hair twin was Hagrid...
What does Taylor Swift want to do with JayZ?!? Get your mind out of the gutter...she wants to go to brunch. So a hilarious video has emerged from the Grammy's where during a commercial break Taylor approaches Jay Z and asks him to go to brunch with him...JayZ nods but then Taylor begins chanting brunch. It is awkwardly adorable.
Entertainment Tonight called Taylor Swift a slut bag...kinda because reporter Nancy O'dell interviewed Taylor Swift on the red carpet for the Grammys and asked her "If she was going to walk home with lots of men" but the best part is Taylor's face. You can see her questioning whether she should maintain composure or throw a punch.
You know it is going to get cray when it starts with Kelsey on the floor thrashing like she is having a panic attack...but her dress just happens to be perfectly fanned out around her and while she can't breathe...of course she asks to talk to Chris...
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV...Channel 7)
With the oxygen mask on she even tells producers that she knows that she will be getting a rose that night...you can tell she is bananas by her eyes...she has that one rogue crazy eye. After getting some one on one time with Chris again...she rejoined the girls like she was fine and nothing had happened...homegirl is cookoo!
and then bum bum bum! The rose ceremony we have all been waiting for....
Ashley I had a meltdown because her V card story doesn't seem as strong as Kelsey's widow background...and guess what...Chris keeps that Kim Kardashian wannabee around for another week! What in the heck...Ashley needs to get to stepping because there is no way that she will ever move to Iowa...or be a farmer...Then Kelsey said that everyone needs to be scared because they wasted their time and then Chris sent home...
Samantha...which whoa...has she been here all season?!? I think this is the first time that we have seen her
(Photo Courtesy of abc.com/bachelor)
and then McKenzie...who is no real loss to the show.
(Photo courtesy of abc.com/bachelor)
Now Kelsey has a new nickname...Black Widow!
So now Chris has taken the girls to Deadwood South Dakota...which is ironic considering how much smooching around he is doing...see what I did there? That is a joke for the adults...
(Photo Courtesy of Twitter.com @PeopleMag)
Kelsey is ran her mouth again that she deserved the one on one...and she is mad at Chris because chose Becca.
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)
So Chris drops the little truth bomb that Becca is the only person in the house he has not kissed yet...which gross. This house is gonna need some penicillin when this season is over.
Becca is so likeable on her date with Chris when the two went horseback riding but that isn't the good part of the show...the focus is still on Kelsey and how much all the other girls hate her! Even sweet little Carly is not on board. And then Kelsey was all like blah blah blah...and none of the girls bought it. Carly calls her out and says Chris is not seeing what they are seeing which is someone making sly comments...to which Kelsey says the problem is that she is smart and uses big words that the girls can't understand.
(Photo coutesy of twitter.com @bachelorABC)
Now the 2 on 1 date has been chosen...and it will be Kelsey and Ashley I...which means one of them will be going home...which part of me is doing back flips because they are terrible...but at the same time...he is no real prince himself...so one of them might actually deserve him.
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorABC)
Becca is taking the front row because Chris says that it is the most relaxed date he has been on...which is not that hard to do...because you have the insane Kelsey...Stripper Britt...Ashley I who can't stop being jealous...but lets be honest...in real life, Becca is so far out of Chris's league.
Now for the group date...all the girls are getting together and making sweet music...and it immediately gets weird because they all individually hug him on arrival..and they are going to work on putting country music together...and for some reason Big and Rich show up. Which in this case it is save a horse...and ride a Bachelor?
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @USWeekly)
Now the date really gets awkward because Britt is dressed like a stripper and she starts making out with Chris in front of everyone else
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV on channel 7)
I have a feeling Chris is trying to make this season end with a Sister Wives twist...hopefully they all come to their senses and bail ship...if for no other reason than his terrible singing that he displayed tonight. Then he thought he was Richard Gere in Pretty Woman in the 80's...because when Britt sang dressed like a hooker..he almost cried...
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV Channel 7)
The only one who actually nailed her song was Carly...but come on...she sings professionally on a cruise ship. So she is basically a pro at this!
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)
Then Chris showed his Booty Cheeks again...and ran away with Britt leaving all the other girls still stranded on the date so he could take Britt solo to The Big and Rich concert...and then even with all her eye glitter he gives her the rose on stage...while all the other girls are still wondering where the heck their date went.
(Photo courtesy of twitter.com @BachelorABC)
The most ridiculous part of the night is when Britt refers to herself as a virgin of Country Music..which is the only kind that she is...as the only girl to have taken a "Nap" with Chris so far this season.
(Photo courtest of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)
Then the real excitement hit...the wannabe Kar-Lash-Ian is on the date with Chris and cray girl Kelsey. So much sucking up and fakeness was oozing out of the whole thing...and of course Ashely I could not stop rolling her eyes.
Then the date took place on a bed in the middle of The Badlands...which was awkward enough. Then Ashley I threw Kelsey under the crazy train and Chris told Kelsey exactly what Ashley had just said. Chris even tweeted out on his personal Twitter that this part is going to be hard to watch.
and then whoa! Ashley I blew me away and won me over..She called Kelsey out on her manipulative garbage and let her know that she wasn't dumb because she doesn't use big words...she has a Master's Degree too and that she sees through her. BURN!
Ashley confronted Chris about the fact he let Kelsey know what she had said...and he sent her packing...and Ashley I' s crying game was on point
(Photo Courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV)
and for a split second...I hated Chris Soules but then he sent Kelsey packing...and she left the same way she showed up...Cray cray. Buh bye Kelsey...good luck being a high school guidance counselor again after all of this
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV and Channel 7)
Jennifer Lawrence with a snake on her naked butt. I get the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. She did a photoshoot with Vanity Fair that caused her to be 100% naked, laying on a table like a boss with a giant boa constrictor twisted around her body from her derriere up to her neck. She looks amazing and excuse me while I go vomit.
Rihanna and Kanye done lost their dang minds! Not only do they not let Paul sing on their new song Four Five Seconds, but yesterday they released the music video...and out of 3 minutes and 11 seconds...Paul is seen a total of 17 seconds. It is legitimately like a game of Where's Waldo..Oh there he is...oh wait...he is gone again...Paul is a Beatle and one of the most successful people of all time, get off your high horse Kanye and give him some more face time!
Katy Perry got a tattoo! So to commemorate being the most watched Super Bowl performance of all time, Katy went to the Tattoo Parlor and got XLIX tattoed on the inside of her finger...which while it sounds kinky is apparently 49 in Roman Numerals (The Public School System failed me...) which is what Super Bowl this was.
50 Shades of Grey news that will make you sweat...yesterday and entire scene was released from the movie! So they don't get it on in it..but they sure do have a lot of chemistry in. They discuss "hardware" and tie downs and basically make love to each other with their eyes...