(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @fiftyshadesofgrey)
So first things first...I have now seen Dakota Johnson's breasts more than I have seen my own...and mine live in my shirt. I have no idea how this movie eeked by with an "R" rating because I have seen Cinemax refrain from getting as graphic as this movie did...it honestly got to a point where it felt weird when you saw Dakota with a top on..but that being said this review is for everyone who feels like me or is wondering if they should see the move.
Honestly...I thought the movie was good. Now before you invest too much in that, I should tell you I also have not seen a single movie up for The Oscar this year, so my tastes are not high class and might be on the trashy side. This movie had me all like this at the beggining
because I came in with really low expectations based on how much critics were ripping the movie apart and it started out really good. Dakota Johnson suprised me. Instead of being the wet dishrag she presents herself as in interviews...she was funny, charming and oddly relatable. More than Anastasia ever came across to me in the book. She portrayed the character spunkier than I remember...but then again I was two bottles of wine deep the last time I read them.
On top of the gratuitous nudie scenes...I discovered that Dakota/Ana has a way more lax grooming routine than myself...
At first I was a little taken aback by her retro hairstyle...but after some pondering...
I realized an excuse to be lazy and not have to attack that thing as often as usual seems like a pretty swell idea and fabulous trend...especially as I get married and complacent...so well done Dakota.
As for Jamie Dornan...before seeing the movie, he never really fit Christian Grey in my mind...but instantly he won me over. He had this intense gaze that let me know that this man is a pro at taking selfies.
(Photo courtesy of twitter.com @fiftyshadesofgrey)
Overall...there was better chemistry that I anticipated because those two were horrible in interviews...but somehow it seemed like they turned that awkwardness into sexual tension.
Now we have to talk about the fact that it felt like I was watching an Adult Na-Na movie with 100 other people...because I was. The first time I saw Christian Grey's Naked butt as he put his loves moves on a 100% nude Anastasia...it was a theater full of women going
and then one creepy dude going
BTW...that is my impression of the weird man there...you know who you are...and not the Fonz...
The last scene was more violent feeling than I remember it being in the book and some of the music was so cheesy you kinda forget what you are watching is supposed to be sexy but overall, I enjoyed the movie.
(Photo courtesy of twitter.com @fiftyshadesofgrey)
If you are questioning if you want to go...just know that you will be around a lot of people seeing a lot of boobies...so if that makes you uncomfortable...you might want to make it a rental but if you are looking for a night of cheesy fantasy...it is a good one to see...and is better than all the Twilight movies were.
If you are looking for a piece of cinematic film, not for you, but if you want something you can eat your pork rinds to and use as a reason to get freaky on a weeknight, you should check it out! And if you want...we can pretend we were horrified by it together
Oh...also...Don't take Gramma...that would just get weird
(Photo courtesy of Buzzfeed.com)
Drake thinks he is Beyonce...because last night he dropped a secret album to Itunes at midnight. It is called If You're Reading This It's Too Late but the big difference between Drake and Beyonce is that it hasn't even cracked the Top 100 yet on Itunes...and it is being outsold by a Kidz Bop Album...now this very well might change...but right now this is not a good look for Drizzy Drake.
The Spice Girls have new music...90's me is all like AHHHHHHHH!! Because four never before heard songs from the girls have leaked that were created for their last album...and I've already been jamming out to them...I have loved Spice Girls since I was younger and I remember whenever we would play them on the Playground I always had to be Scary Spice...ya know...because until college my hair twin was Hagrid...
What does Taylor Swift want to do with JayZ?!? Get your mind out of the gutter...she wants to go to brunch. So a hilarious video has emerged from the Grammy's where during a commercial break Taylor approaches Jay Z and asks him to go to brunch with him...JayZ nods but then Taylor begins chanting brunch. It is awkwardly adorable.
Entertainment Tonight called Taylor Swift a slut bag...kinda because reporter Nancy O'dell interviewed Taylor Swift on the red carpet for the Grammys and asked her "If she was going to walk home with lots of men" but the best part is Taylor's face. You can see her questioning whether she should maintain composure or throw a punch.
You know it is going to get cray when it starts with Kelsey on the floor thrashing like she is having a panic attack...but her dress just happens to be perfectly fanned out around her and while she can't breathe...of course she asks to talk to Chris...
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV...Channel 7)
With the oxygen mask on she even tells producers that she knows that she will be getting a rose that night...you can tell she is bananas by her eyes...she has that one rogue crazy eye. After getting some one on one time with Chris again...she rejoined the girls like she was fine and nothing had happened...homegirl is cookoo!
and then bum bum bum! The rose ceremony we have all been waiting for....
Ashley I had a meltdown because her V card story doesn't seem as strong as Kelsey's widow background...and guess what...Chris keeps that Kim Kardashian wannabee around for another week! What in the heck...Ashley needs to get to stepping because there is no way that she will ever move to Iowa...or be a farmer...Then Kelsey said that everyone needs to be scared because they wasted their time and then Chris sent home...
Samantha...which whoa...has she been here all season?!? I think this is the first time that we have seen her
(Photo Courtesy of abc.com/bachelor)
and then McKenzie...who is no real loss to the show.
(Photo courtesy of abc.com/bachelor)
Now Kelsey has a new nickname...Black Widow!
So now Chris has taken the girls to Deadwood South Dakota...which is ironic considering how much smooching around he is doing...see what I did there? That is a joke for the adults...
(Photo Courtesy of Twitter.com @PeopleMag)
Kelsey is ran her mouth again that she deserved the one on one...and she is mad at Chris because chose Becca.
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)
So Chris drops the little truth bomb that Becca is the only person in the house he has not kissed yet...which gross. This house is gonna need some penicillin when this season is over.
Becca is so likeable on her date with Chris when the two went horseback riding but that isn't the good part of the show...the focus is still on Kelsey and how much all the other girls hate her! Even sweet little Carly is not on board. And then Kelsey was all like blah blah blah...and none of the girls bought it. Carly calls her out and says Chris is not seeing what they are seeing which is someone making sly comments...to which Kelsey says the problem is that she is smart and uses big words that the girls can't understand.
(Photo coutesy of twitter.com @bachelorABC)
Now the 2 on 1 date has been chosen...and it will be Kelsey and Ashley I...which means one of them will be going home...which part of me is doing back flips because they are terrible...but at the same time...he is no real prince himself...so one of them might actually deserve him.
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorABC)
Becca is taking the front row because Chris says that it is the most relaxed date he has been on...which is not that hard to do...because you have the insane Kelsey...Stripper Britt...Ashley I who can't stop being jealous...but lets be honest...in real life, Becca is so far out of Chris's league.
Now for the group date...all the girls are getting together and making sweet music...and it immediately gets weird because they all individually hug him on arrival..and they are going to work on putting country music together...and for some reason Big and Rich show up. Which in this case it is save a horse...and ride a Bachelor?
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @USWeekly)
Now the date really gets awkward because Britt is dressed like a stripper and she starts making out with Chris in front of everyone else
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV on channel 7)
I have a feeling Chris is trying to make this season end with a Sister Wives twist...hopefully they all come to their senses and bail ship...if for no other reason than his terrible singing that he displayed tonight. Then he thought he was Richard Gere in Pretty Woman in the 80's...because when Britt sang dressed like a hooker..he almost cried...
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV Channel 7)
The only one who actually nailed her song was Carly...but come on...she sings professionally on a cruise ship. So she is basically a pro at this!
(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)
Then Chris showed his Booty Cheeks again...and ran away with Britt leaving all the other girls still stranded on the date so he could take Britt solo to The Big and Rich concert...and then even with all her eye glitter he gives her the rose on stage...while all the other girls are still wondering where the heck their date went.
(Photo courtesy of twitter.com @BachelorABC)
The most ridiculous part of the night is when Britt refers to herself as a virgin of Country Music..which is the only kind that she is...as the only girl to have taken a "Nap" with Chris so far this season.
(Photo courtest of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)
Then the real excitement hit...the wannabe Kar-Lash-Ian is on the date with Chris and cray girl Kelsey. So much sucking up and fakeness was oozing out of the whole thing...and of course Ashely I could not stop rolling her eyes.
Then the date took place on a bed in the middle of The Badlands...which was awkward enough. Then Ashley I threw Kelsey under the crazy train and Chris told Kelsey exactly what Ashley had just said. Chris even tweeted out on his personal Twitter that this part is going to be hard to watch.
and then whoa! Ashley I blew me away and won me over..She called Kelsey out on her manipulative garbage and let her know that she wasn't dumb because she doesn't use big words...she has a Master's Degree too and that she sees through her. BURN!
Ashley confronted Chris about the fact he let Kelsey know what she had said...and he sent her packing...and Ashley I' s crying game was on point
(Photo Courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV)
and for a split second...I hated Chris Soules but then he sent Kelsey packing...and she left the same way she showed up...Cray cray. Buh bye Kelsey...good luck being a high school guidance counselor again after all of this
(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV and Channel 7)
Jennifer Lawrence with a snake on her naked butt. I get the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. She did a photoshoot with Vanity Fair that caused her to be 100% naked, laying on a table like a boss with a giant boa constrictor twisted around her body from her derriere up to her neck. She looks amazing and excuse me while I go vomit.
Rihanna and Kanye done lost their dang minds! Not only do they not let Paul sing on their new song Four Five Seconds, but yesterday they released the music video...and out of 3 minutes and 11 seconds...Paul is seen a total of 17 seconds. It is legitimately like a game of Where's Waldo..Oh there he is...oh wait...he is gone again...Paul is a Beatle and one of the most successful people of all time, get off your high horse Kanye and give him some more face time!
Katy Perry got a tattoo! So to commemorate being the most watched Super Bowl performance of all time, Katy went to the Tattoo Parlor and got XLIX tattoed on the inside of her finger...which while it sounds kinky is apparently 49 in Roman Numerals (The Public School System failed me...) which is what Super Bowl this was.
50 Shades of Grey news that will make you sweat...yesterday and entire scene was released from the movie! So they don't get it on in it..but they sure do have a lot of chemistry in. They discuss "hardware" and tie downs and basically make love to each other with their eyes...
Y'all...what in the heck did I watch last night? This episode was the best and the worst one of the season! My face at the end was all like
So lets start at the beginning...first things first, The Bachelor reassured me last night that I do in fact have my life on track because after finding out that they will be going to New Mexico Megan freaks out because she has never been out of the country...
(Photo Courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
It started out with Carly winning her very first solo date with Chis...and it was awkward to say the least. It went all 50 Shades of Grey on us because they visited a Love Guru which meant Carly had to blindfold Chris and then breath all over his body to create intimacy...hopefully breath mints were taken before hand. From there the two were made to strip each other's clothes off to represent layers of themselves they hide under leading up to them toplessly embracing and sharing energies. The Love Guru the movie only has 14% on Rotten Tomatoes...and even that was better than this nonsense I watched. I literally had to cover my eyes a couple times because it got so awkward.
(Photo Courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
Fast forward to the group date and the girls went White Water Rafting, which was all fun and games until Jade went flying out of the raft. Chris then publically rubbed Jade's feet helping her warm up and then all cattiness broke loose with all the girls getting jealous that they also did not face death...
(Photo Courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
Then Chris did a big no no. He proved that getting sent home does not mean that you actually get sent home and that he rewards stalking because let Jordan rejoin the cast...She drove from Colorado and found Chris to say that she didn't think they were over and the girls went cray...Ashley I showed her butt in a major way and tried to rally all the girls together to be mean to Jordan. Thank goodness Whitney was there to say that is not cool and bad karma. Well after all the girls freaked, Chris told Jordan it wasn't fair and sent her packing again and gave his rose to Whitney for being a class act. Ashley I had a meltdown and did not understand why out of everyone he would pick Whitney and for once Mackenzie had something smart to say and told Ashley I that she was just mad because she doesn't like Whitney.
Now this is where the episode started to get insane...Brit got freaky Deaky with Chris. So it all started with her getting the solo date with a hint that it would involve heights. Chris decides to suprise her with the date by waking her up at 4am and making out with her in a hotel room filled with all of the girls...now this part had to be staged because Brit was in full makeup...including glitter...which means she is either moonlighting as a stripper at night or she is disgusting sleeping in heavy makeup at night...and I am not sure which is worse. Well she was freaking about the heights and like full on crying before Chris showed up and as soon as she saw hot air balloons as their date...she acted cheerful and like she hadn't just admited to being scared to death of heights. Weill they make out in the sky...which I think might be like the Mile High Club Jr and when they are done...go back to Chris's hotel room...and according to her...they take a nap...but c'mon...we all know that means that they got it on.
(Image Courtesy of @bachelorABC on Twitter)
After Britt left Chris's she of course goes and tells all the other girls that she spent the day hanging out in Chris's hotel room napping and everyone knew what that meant. So this is where Kelsey flipped her wig to crazy. She told the girl's about her deceased husband in a very nonchalant manner for the first time and then snuck to Chris's hotel room to tell him. Well once she was there she was sobbing and making a big production...very much unlike the other time she was talking about it...which screams FAKE!!! And then she tells the production crew that she loves her story and that it is so good.
(Image courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
At the end all the girl's were together again for the cocktail hour leading up to elimination and everyone was freaking out...except Kelsey who said that she was not nervous...but didn't let the girl's know what just happened. Then Chris let the cat out of the bag. He goes to talk to the girl's and starts man crying like a farmer who just lost his harvest and says that he needs a minute because it has gotten to real and he tells everyone what Kelsey had just told him. Chris leaves and Kelsey suddenly looks panicked because she had no idea Chris would out her convo because she thought it was private. All the girl's start freaking out...Including Ashley I, because she says her virgin story isn't as good as Kelsey's dead husband story...like she literally says that she wishes she had that. The whole thing takes this sick turn and Chris Harrison comes in and cancels the cocktail hour and says they will go straight into elimination...aka Chris was going to send Kelsey home but now he doesn't know what to do because he feels guilty.
(This Photo is courtesy of @BachelorABC on Twitter)
Kelsey realizes what has just happened and she goes the bathroom and then passes out on the floor causing medics to rush her. She starts gasping for breath where she has passed out...you know...like a lady with her legs tucked up underneath her, dress perfectly arranged...not like she just decided to lie down on the floor and starts breathing heavy and talking nonsensically about a panic attack and then...
BOOM! It ended right there, no rose ceremony, no elimation...just Kelsey faking a panic attack on the floor.
Long story short, we learned that this is the cattiest season to date. Chris's whoreish ways are coming back to bite him in the butt because emotions are getting crazy. Britt was the first one to get it on, Kelsey may or may not have murdered her last husband and that Carly had to get topless and feed Chris chocolate.