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The Bachelor Tell All Blog

The Sexy Farmer plowed a lot of fields this season...so the Bachelor Tell All was bananas to say the least.  The weirdest part was probably knowing that Chris's tongue was in every woman's mouth that was sitting on stage.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorabc) 

 They started it off with Chris Soules and Harrison crashing Bachelor Watch Parties...which hello!!!  How can I get on this list for next year?!? There were of course Bachelor Drinking Games, like every time Chris kissed a girl you took a shot...which sounds awesome in theory...but I have a full time job and I would still be drunk from months ago if I had played.

 

Britt took the hot seat and whoa my goodness...she and Ashely I played nice but Carly came in with her claws out.  A weird thing happened though..the audience kept cheering Britt on and booing Carly...and maybe I am just a mean girl too...but I thought Carly was hilarious and the least fake part of this season.  Okay...she probably should not have made hand puppets to make fun of Britt...but come on...girl flip flopped like she was wearing Rainbows at the Beach.  

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(Phot courtesy of Twitter.com @bachelorABC)

Britt tried to keep it classy and cried through the whole thing and honestly spent a full half hour of the special tossing her hair...you could tell she was working it trying to get named Bachelorette...but little did she know our girl Kaitlyn had already nabbed the title.

And then...dun dun duuuun...Kelsey took the hot seat.  And she of course started it with some crocodile tears.  Listen ladies...take a lesson...its not crying if there are no tears...we know you are faking!

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

So Kelsey was all like blah blah blah and says that people questioning her motives made her feel like she is reliving the grief of her husband's death...and then she snotted all over Chris Harrison's hankie out of his pocket.  The only way to describe her up on stage...is awkward.  The other girls rolled their eyes the entire time and Ashley I looked like she was about to hulk out of her pretty little dress to jump all over Kelsey.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

The girls tore into Kelsey...including someone who was sent home so early..I don't even know her name jumped on Kelsey and said that you do not grieve by using your dead spouse as a card.  Britt of course was like "guys be nice" and it was totally contrived.  

 

Since things were getting so heavy...Chris Harrison knew what to do...bring out Ashley S...which btw...I am still convinced she is a paid actress.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

 

She came out and was bizarre

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

and even weirder...

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

 then she got offered a role on Bachelor Paradise and she of course space cadeted out and didn't give an answer.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

 Jade took the hot seat and honestly...ever since I googled her...I can't look at her without thinking about her naked...I mean her Playboy pics were so naked I think I saw her ovaries...she talked about how Chris didn't keep it real with her and as a result she hasn't been able to properly move on and the she is still seeking closure.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @HollywoodLife)

 

Out rolls Kaitlyn...and I just really liked her this seaosn.  She was funny and just seemed like someone you could throw beers back with and talk about anything from lady cramps to Britney Spear's weave.  She was the first person to cry up there that I actually felt was showing real emotion.  Obviously she was left dumbfounded because she spent the night in the Fanta-NASTY suite with Chris.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC) 

Then out walks Chris...and the room gets weird.  Britt is the first to confront him and the two share an awkwardly long embrace and all I can do is feel bad for Whitney or whoever he chose for how much he is squeezing a woman he used to date...and once they sat down it was like Britt thought she was still Chris's favorite and tried to establish their connection again and he froze her out...way to go Prince Charming

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Then Kaitlyn questioned him on why he made her go through the rose ceremony and he basically apologized for messing up and that he was trying to do his best through the whole thing. It was quick to the point and seemed to suffice.  The weirdest thing about the whole time Chris was up on stage though...was the first time he wasn't trying to suck face with every woman in the room...it made him waaay more likeable and charming.

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(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's on ABC Local 24)

 Jade went last and for the first time in the whole special Chris finally showed some real emotion...I'm sure his fiance is jealous somewhere...because Jade questioned why he put down her hometown date with him on his blog.  The real answer is the sassier the better but he played it off as he made a mistake.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

The whole thing was emotional drama until the end when they played the bloopers...and we all realized that Chris Soules laughs like a dolphin. The only thing that sucks...is they forgot to mention that Kaitlyn is going to be the next Bachelorette.

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

 

 


E on The Q When Britney Spears Danced Her Weave Off!

 
Britney Spears danced her weave off...like seriously...girl was working it so hard on stage that her hair fell out while doing a concert in Vegas over the weekend...as a woman who used to wear extensions I laughed my butt off at this video...
 
What was Miley Cyrus doing back at Disney...oh ya know...just having the best date of her life.  She and her Boo kicked it with Pluto over the weekend and rode Space Mountain.  She posted pics to her Instagram and Hashtagged them home...but even more important...our little girl is starting to grow up because every outfit she wore covered her lady bits.
 
Ludacris is having a baby!  Well...his wife is anyways.  They made the cutesie announcement over the weekend with a picture of Ludacris kissing her belly...but word on the street is this is why the two got engaged and married within a day.  His wife is from a very traditional family who would not have stood for her having a baby out of marriage.  Regardless...congrats to the lucky couple!
 
Justin Bieber is a real adult now...because he turned 21 over the weekend and finally...at least one of the things he does is legal...but don't go thinking he has turned responsible on us...he is the same toolbag we love to hate because he spent his whole party shirtless, lighting fireworks and dancing to 50 Cent...
 
Taylor Swift is going to be the crazy cat lady.  She so much as owned up to it to Telegraph UK.  She said in five years she basically still sees herself single and loving on her cats when she is in her 30's...girl...I met my man online...we can get you set up with a Plentyoffish...actually you are classier than that...an EHarmony stat! 

Kanye and Kim are competing...for who can be most trashy.  Last night they both attended the Brit Awards and Kim did it with her nipples out but Kanye couldn't stand not having the attention on him, so he went to a fast food chicken restaurant where he began jumping on table and having people chant yeezus while he filmed them...those are two very needy people...
 
And speaking of the Britt Awards...
 
Madonna took a topple...and her steps weren't even icy.  Yesterday on stage for the awards ceremony Madonna wasn't quick enough in a wardrobe change and a backup dancer went to yank her cape of taking the almost 60 year old popstar with it.  She fell backwards and her feet literally went up over her head...the only thing hurt though was her pride!
 
Lady Gaga is taking a break from singing...to become an actress!  Gaga has joined the cast of American Horror Story as the female lead for next season which will begin this October. 
 
Sad news for Bobbi Kristina...yesterday doctors began to take her out of her medically induced coma to assess if she had any improvement over the past three weeks and she went into violent seizures and had to be put back into a medically induced coma.  The whole situation is sad and according to my source there has been a lot of fighting at the hospital between her family.

 


E on The Q Where Canada Hates Chris Brown

What one thing can Chris Brown not do...go to Canada! Chris was denied entry to the country because of his long criminal record...which means he couldn't perform at his booked concerts this week...plus I am sure he missed out on some fabulous poutine.  He tweeted out that he was trying to get down to the bottom of the immigration situation...but we know the real reason...Drake had him banned...just kidding...but that would be hilarious

 Good news 50 Shades of Grey fans....Jamie Dornan is not...not coming back for the sequels.  Yesterday a nasty rumor hit the internet and even I fell for it that Jamie was not going to be playing Mr Grey in the upcoming movies out of respect for his wife...now the movie studio is basically saying that the whole thing is conjecture because technically there are not sequels yet...but if there were wink wink that this would be the first that they heard of Jamie unhappy playing Christian.
 
Beyonce had her boobies hanging out.  So I love this so much because Beyonce decided to go out to lunch without her bra yesterday and pictures were snapped...and well...we have never seen her look so real and boobalicious before. 

 

What does Kim Kardashian pay $100,000 for?!?  To have someone photoshop her pictures before they make it to instagram.  I have learned from a source that 100K is a small price for Kim to pay to keep up her image.  So ladies with low self esteem...listen up...Kim Kardashian is a big old fake and no one really looks like that without makeup.
  

E on The Q When People Hated The Oscars

Kris Jenner is officially an empty nester...because little Kylie has spread her wings and at the age of 17 has purchased a $2.7 Million mansion in Calabasas.  Let that sink in that before she can even vote she now owns a 5 bedroom house with a home theater and even with all of those amenities...I am sure the best part is that she no longer has to live with her cray momager.

 
Cameron Diaz's marriage is already doomed. Because hubby Benji is giving their marriage bad juju and got her name tattooed across his chest. Which while sweet...always ends in divorce.
 
Kanye West is copying Kim Kardashian...because is launching his own video game app like his wife...the only difference is that his will be a game to help his deceased mother get into heaven...which even for him is kind of bizarre.
 
No one watched The Oscars...okay well people watched The Oscars but way less and ratings were at an all time low.  Now everyone is point the finger at Neil Patrick Harris...but I know the reason.  It is because no one has seen any of the movies that were nominated.  If you want a more mainstream audience...you are going to have to have more mainstream movies...like can we get 50 Shades of Grey up for best pic next year?!? 

Bachelor Blog When It is All About The Fa-Nasty Suite

Gross...just gross.  I want to get that out of the way.  Something about an episode where all three women "Spend" the night with a man within a three day period makes me feel gross and like a shot of penicillin may be needed...that being said...Hello Bachelor Nation!

So this week's episode was in Bali which was hilarious for two reasons.  None of the girls could tame their hair in the humidity and Chris had pit stains down to his waist the entire episode.

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Kaitlyn's date was pretty boring with Chris with the exception that monkey peed on him...but come on...he made out with Kelsey...so definitely not the nastiest thing on him this season.  They acted all lovey dovey and it ends with her invitation into the fantasy suite and in a creepy line from some cheesy after school special Chris told Kaitlyn..."We deserve this"...excuse me while I go throw up...and then of course they got freaky deaky.

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(Image Courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

So basically three hours after sucking face with Kaitlyn, Chris went to go meet up with Whitney.  I do not know if it was the heat but her voice seemed to be about 3 octaves higher than normal and of course she was suited up in her perky pants and spray tan.  They spent their date on a boat...and then it was hijacked by pirates...

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(Image Courtesy of Columbia Pictures from Captain Phillips)

Just Kidding...that's Captain Phillips...but it did get weird on the boat.  Whitney kept apologizing for her sister being doubtful on the hometown dates the week before and Chris kept giving her this serious look...which come on...there is no reason she should have apologized for her Sister being practical.

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(Image Courtest of Twitter.com @BachelorABC) 

They of course get ooshy gooshy and Whitney explains that she is willing to abandon all her personal professional goals to be with him...which might seem all sorts of dreamy now but six months from now when she only has cows to talk to...she might need to do some rethinking.  Then it gets weird because Chris totes takes her back to the fantasy suite where he literally just got it on with Kaitlyn like 18 hours ago.  Whitney talks about how romantic it is and I can only just hope that the sheets were changed.

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Then comes Becca...the most frustrating of all the final three.  I give her mad respect for keeping her V Card and wanting to save herself for marriage.  I think it is admirable and the worst thing that could happen would be for her to throw it away on tv to some man dating three other girls...but boy does she start to bend on her morals

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

When they get to dinner Chris looks like he wants to eat Becca up and when she got her fantasy suite card...he legit winked at her.  Gross.  

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

...and then she told Chris...and he looked like Christmas had been cancelled.  It was one less field he got to plow...

Chris then cried and said that he was in love with all the girls...that or he was just sweating again. I give it a few months and he will be on his own version of Sister Wives. Sorry for whoever won...it has got to be a punch in the gut to see just how wishy washy he is about his feelings.  

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC)

Then came the rose ceremony...and Chris and the girls started  freaking and he pulled Becca out to talk to her one on one.  The other girls thought he must be sending her home but he just wants to get to the bottom of her feelings.  In whispery batman tones they talked about their love.  

 

..and then they marched back in and ruined Kaitlyn's parade.  Kaitlyn was so excited he was sending Becca home and then he went and cut her.  You could see the devastation and humiliation that she had Na-Na with a man and then next time he saw her...he broke up with her on national television...and then had the gall to say "I will always care about you" and basically threw in a "its not you, its me...".  

Kaitlyn Bristowe

(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @KaitlynBristowe)

You will be missed Kaitlyn.  You are quite possibly the prettiest cryer in the world and here is to hoping that you are the next Bachelorette! 

 


E on The Q Channing Tatum Take Off Your Pants!

E on the Q Oscars editions...bum bum bumb bum bahhhhhh!!!!

 
So first things first...my hair is wrecked because I stayed up so late watching Hollywood's Elite pat themselves on the back...so appreciate my wild mane...
 
No one saw any of the movies up for Oscars...because we are still too busy watching Transformers and Hunger Games Franchise movies because all together the pics up for best movie brought in only $600 Million at the box office to put that into perspective...50 Shades of Grey has brought in $100 million in just two weeks...
 
The Lego Song...Everything is Awesome...dominated the entire show!  Only when you have batman playing an electric lego guitar can true happiness happen.  I mean for a second there Oprah forget she was a billionaire and freaked and Channing Tatum even tried to telechenitcally speak to his. Left shark even made an appearance!
 
And then there was the fashion...
 
Gwyneth Paltrow looked like she was getting ready to go to her sweet 16 in 1985 that or she has a chach sitting on her shoulder,
 
J Lo ruled in a gorgeous princess dress.  She of course showed off a lot of boobage but whatevs,
 
Anna Faris made me want to be her and Oprah...well she was Oprah.
 
 
Lady Gaga stole the show...and did a tribute to The Sound Of Music...and it is official...Gaga I will never bring up your meat dress again...you are turning classy and you proved.  You go on with your new wholesome self...I vote that we do a revamp of the Sound Of Music and give you the role of Maria
 
The biggest snub of The Oscars went to...Joan Rivers.  She was completely left out of the Memorium.  So as a fan of her sassy work, I know she never won an Oscar but she was an icon for this event making red carpet interviews the thing that they are today and she starred in a handful of movies...so I want to take a moment to recognize her for her work...so Joan...even though the Oscars snubbed you last night...The Q Morning Show recognizes you. 

E on the Q and Lindsay Shows Her Lohans

Hollywood deserves a punch in the face...because no one wants to work with Kelly Clarkson.  She told the BBC that the only collaboration on her new album is with John Legend...and that's just because no one else wanted to work with her.  She stayed classy and would not name names but said that she got turned down numerous times.  Now I am tone deaf...but girl...call me for your next album...I am totally there for you.

 
Kanye West is a failure fashion.  So he is getting snubbed left and right by the fashion world and dude is livid.  He has come up with lots of reasons why they won't let him play in the fashion club and keeps ranting on Twitter...but I know the real reason...it is because his name could be frumparella...he has been wearing the same red velore sweatshirt since the Grammys.  No joke...he has worn it every single day.  And he wonders why we won't pay $200 for his tshirts...
 
JayZ could have a secret love child.  B/c he has been slapped with a paternity suit from a 21 year old man who is claiming his Mom used to be Jay's side chick.  Now no paternity testing has been done yet...but Blue Ivy better be prepared for the chance of siblings.
 
Lindsay is showing off her Lohans...and whoa my goodness...that is a lot of freckles.  She posed topless for the UK magazine Hungry that is out this week...and well...Lindsay...way to not disappoint and continue your trek as a trainwreck. 

E on The Q and John Mayer is NOT The Father!

John Mayer is not the father! Because Katy Perry is not pregnant.   While these two would make a beautiful love child the story is completely false.  I reached out to a trusted source who says the story is just some made up tabloid trash.  
 
Taylor Swift is making a bad life decision...because she was photographed meeting Kanye West for a private dinner  to talk about a future musical collaboration.  Nooo!  Girl...you are too good for Kanye...stop this while you still can.  I do not want an autotuned Shake it off! 
 
Beyonce is a normal woman...because her unedited photos have leaked and while she is overwhelmingly gorgeous...she is was less flawless and more average looking than we could have ever imagined.  Images show her issues with acne, fine lines and everything that makes her just like us...this is a beautiful thing because it shows that none of us...even Beyonce are perfect.
 
Iggy Azalea will make you roll your eyes.  Because she declared last night on Twitter that she is leaving social media...because it is too dramatic.  Just like my annoying cousin seeking attention on Facebook with that status every two weeks...Iggy got all sorts of messages that were all like...nooo...don't leave...but come on Iggy...if you stopped starting feuds online...people would probably leave you alone.

E on The Q and Bieber Gets It!

 Kanye West is losing friends.  Because no one...not even famous people like Kim Kardashian.  Yeezy did an interview with Style.com where he talked about how when he started dating Kim people started turning their backs on him because they did not want to be associated with her reality trash...which honestly sounds about right.
 
Justin Bieber gave us the moment we have been wanting.  To see him get a taste of his own medicine.  Thank you Comedy Central for the most Epic Promo ever of him get egged for his roast! 
 
What did Dakota Johnson steal from the 50 Shades of Grey set?!? Lots and lots of underwear...love her...but this is kind of weird...but she told Glamour that she took home her lingerie from the movie because she liked it so much...
 
Selena Gomez topless.  She did a photo shoot for V Magazine where she is only wearing some daisy dukes and curly hair...it is to promote her interview within their pages where she talks about her depression she fought going through her breakup with the Biebs. Ahh!  You can see everything but her Wizard of Waverly Place! 

E on The Q When Kanye Can't Read

Kanye can't read...at least that is all that I can come up with because he said that he is the Robin Hood of fashion...which last time I checked $200 tshirts are in no way helping the poor...but he told Style.com that he feels this way about himself because one day everyone will be wanting to and wearing his sweatsuits...I think someone needs to explain that story to him again...
 

Lady Gaga is engaged!  A huge congratulations is in order for Gaga and her fiance Taylor Kinney.  She shared the news with her little monsters yesterday saying that he popped the question on Valentine's Day...which is surprisingly traditional for Gaga but her ring is totally gorgeous.  It is shaped like a heart but obviously worth more than money I will ever see in my life.  

 
SNL 40 broke records...so other than Super Bowl programs of years past...SNL 40 had the highest ratings that NBC has seen in over 8 years and brought in over 23 Million viewers...which to me means we should celebrate SNL's Birthday every year.
 
Pharrell is now an Author...with just another reason to be "Happy" a publishing company is using his song as inspiration to create a children's book series that is "Happy".  If you wanna clap along and get it for your kids, it will hit bookstores this fall! 

Bachelor Blog The One Where Jade is Naked

Last night the Bachelor was all sorts of dramatic.

 

First things first, Britt and her 80's Barbie Lipstick finally went home.  She snapped on Chris and basically said that she only wants to be viewed first...and not last.  I am pretty sure Ricky Bobby also said something similar to that.  So she got the boot and sat outside ugly girl crying and snotting all over her face.  It was super dramatic and my money is betting that they make her the next Bachelorette.

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(Photo courtesy of twitter.com A BachelorABC)

Carly...oh sweet Carly was the next to go home...because she ratted out Britt's fakeness to Chris and if there is anything we have learned from the Sexy Farmer this season...if you are honest...you gon go home!  Carly...we will miss your quirky faces and I hope to see you on a cruise ship singing your little heart out one day soon.

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(Image courtesy of Twitter.com @CarlyWaddell)

Now it is was time for the hometown date.  It started with Becca who immediately proved that there are two types of people in the world...those that run and jump into a man's arms and wrap their legs around them...and the rest of us chunkies that ain't gonna do that. But Oh Em Gee...her family threw her under a MATA.  Her family pulled him aside and basically said...We have never actually seen Becca with a Man, so know that she will never be physical or give you PDA...they also almost dropped the bomb that she is holding her V Card...but left it for the next episode when the fantasy suite comes around.  Long story short...sweet date that ended with them making out on a Ferris Wheel...hello scripted...real people don't do that!

(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @Taryn_Pollock)

Next Chris joined Whitney in Chicago...where she showed him how to make a baby.  Since her family situation is kinda awkward she decided to take him to work instead and showed him what a fertility nurse does...and even went so far as to ask him for a "sample".  Chris turned into a joke...but we all saw that crazy glint...if she wasn't the winner she had plans to get pregnant other ways...Whitney ended up taking him to meet her sister and when Chris asked if he could propose to her she basically said come and talk to me when you stop being a hoochie with all these women...and basically all of Bachelor Nation Cheered.

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(Photo courtesy of Liz Luedeman's TV) 

Kaitlyn was up next and had Chris meet her in Arizona and had everyone wondering...are all these girl's from rich families?  How come you never see a hometown show where they go to a trailer park or a modest home?  Because we got to meet her family and their luxurious vacation home.  Everything seemed to go well...Chris tried to rap and embarrassed himself, which was totally awesome and it ended with the two making out under a billboard that said Kaitlyn <3 Chris...which is totally not proper grammar...but whatever

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @Kaitlynbristowe)

And then what we were all waiting for...Chris went home to meet Jade's family and found out that she posed nude for Playboy.  Whoa Nelly Chris seemed creepily excited when he found out and even watched her video and googled her pictures with her.  This part of the episode was redunkulous and you could tell he was totally going to send her home.  I like a dummie Googled her...without my safe search on...and y'all...unless you want to see more nooks and crannies than on an english muffin...just don't do it! 

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(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @USMagazine)

So after meeting their families who did he decide not to take to the fantasy suite next week...Jade!  Because come on...it comes back to that honestly thing.  She was real with him and told him something he needed to know and just like Carly and Ashley I...he sent her packing.  What a stand up dude...not.  He at the very least pretended to cry and question if his decision was right...but his acting was just about as good as Kelsey's earlier this season.  Weak Dude!

(Photo courtesy of Twitter.com @BachelorABC) 


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